Easily Forgotten

I'm not at Ball State anymore, which kinda really sucks, a lot....I feel stupid. I wasn't doing as good as I wanted to, but I at least thought I doing well enough to pass, I was wrong. I cannot express how heartbroken I was when I found out that I was disqualified from Ball State. I was shattered. That place was basically my home away from home, the friends I made there are my second family. Round table every night had become a permanent fixture in my life.

The first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the bad news was "Holy shit how am I gonna tell my family this?!?!". I knew my mom would take the news ok, but my dad was a completely different story. Thoughts were racing through my mind, lies that I could tell him to prolong the moment when I would have to tell him this terrible news. My sister, however, did the job for me, and surprisingly he wasn't he mad, or disappointed. He felt really bad for me, and just hugged me, said that he was so sorry. My mom and the rest of my family did pretty much the same thing. To say I was surprised about their reaction would be the understatement of the century. I was completely and utterly shocked...

The second thing that popped into my mind was, "Oh my God, no more round table...." I wouldn't be seeing the friends I had grown so close to anymore. I wouldn't be staying up til 3 in the morning every night, basically having the best nights of my life...No more midnight runs to Steak n Shake and Mcdonalds, or ordering Chinese food every other Friday night when we got paid, no more random movie marathons where we just talk the whole way through. No more philosophical conversations, perverted topics, or gossiping about people we hate. We never even got a proper farewell, I thought I would be coming back. I was wrong.

I cried for a week afterwards. I didn't know what I would do without the friends I had grown so accustomed to seeing everyday. I didn't know what I would do without my family...I still don't...I can still keep in touch with them, and I can always drive down to see them, but I have no clue when that will be. And in the time it takes for me to get there, I feel like I will be forgotten, a thing of the past. I don't want to grow apart from any of them, and I plan on keeping in touch, but that has to go both ways. I just can't shake the nagging voice in my head that keeps saying they will all just forget about me, because I am easily forgetable. They all say that round table isn't the same without me, but how long will that last? I'm not there anymore, and I feel like I'm just doomed to become a part of their past...

Stupidity

People handle their pain in different ways. I was a stupid kid, and did it in the only way that could let me feel. Now I'm forever stuck with the reminder. Was I being overdramatic? I didn't think so. Not at the time. I liked the pleasure that came with the pain. I did it for myself, not so other people could give me attention, feel sorry for me. I hate pity.

I get into these funks sometimes. I'll start thinking about my past, how much I regret it. I want to confide in someone so much, just let it all out, but I feel like I can't do that without being severely judge. I was stupid, I know that, I was told it many times, I don't want it vocalized by one of my friends.

Sometimes I feel so alone even though I know I'm not really. I may not show it often, that loneliness, but it's there. I'm a naturally happy person, but when that feeling hits you, it's so hard to shake it off.

This was an awfully depressing blog, sorry about that. Just needed to let it out. I promise the next one will have happier tone....hopefully....

Until next time....

Beach bodies

Remember in one of my earlier blogs, I mentioned how one of my goals is to lose weight? Well it's gonna happen, for real...My friends and I have this big trip planned for Spring Break this next year in March. We are going to the Keys in Florida. We don't wanna go there looking all frumpy in our bathing suits, so we made a plan to get kick-ass beach bodies by the time Spring Break gets here.

This plan includes:

1. Working out in the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
2. Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
3. Rogo every day after our workouts.
4. Completely dropping soda from our diets.
5. Eating salads, veggies, and wraps from Noyer, and just healthy foods in general.
6. Eating whatever we want on Wednesday, but still take into consideration calories.
7. If we don't go to a workout, we are excluded from Round Table.

We all have goal weights, and we are all really focused on achieving our beach bodies, so hopefully we will be able to stick to it, unlike all our other diets. I'll try to keep you updated about our progress in every blog post (hopefully there will be progress).

Until next time....

Procrastination

Hello all. I feel as though I am the queen of procrastination....I really should be working on my paper, yet I'm blogging, and listening to One Direction's new album....It's not that long of a paper, just two pages double spaced, but still, I've only got a paragraph written. It's not due til Thursday, I just thought I'd be a good student for once, and not start on it the night before it's due....I can see that it's not working out to well.

If I just turned off my music, and had the willpower to stay off of the Facebook, and the Twitter, then I could probably get this bitch of a paper done in like a half hour. But I can't!! I just wanna get up and dance to the One Direction music. Obviously I won't because that would be more than a little awkward and weird. Let's be real though, I'm also the queen of awkward circumstances, but that's pushing it a little.

I just need to force myself to concentrate on this stupid paper, so I won't have to worry about it later. I allotted myself two hours to write it, and I have an hour left, so I guess I'm gonna stop procrastinating and get to finishing it.

Until next time....

Family :)

Hello all, sorry it's been awhile, but I'm back! Yay :) My grandma is...well she's not fine necessarily, but she's a lot better than what my mom made her out to be. I thought she was babbling mess, but she can actually hold a valid conversation with you. She does have fluid on her brain, and it does mess with her memory a little, but not to the point where she's repeating herself every five seconds. I'm glad she's not as bad as what I thought, it means that I (hopefully) still have a lot more time with her.

I've been thinking about my family a lot lately, and how thankful I am to have them. It pisses me off when people constantly bitch about their family when they don't have a reason to. They should be thankful they actually have a family because there are people out there who have no one. My family and I are very close, especially my mom and I, but you would already know about that if you've read some of my other posts. I don't know what I would do if I lost any member of my family. Yes, we do have our fights from time to time, but in the end we always make up. 

Family isn't always people who are related to you, they can be people who you've grown very close to. The friends I've made this year, our round table, I would consider them my family too, that's pretty much what we are, a family away from home. I've grown to care about them all, and I'm so glad that I met every single one of them. This year is so much better than last year, and it's because of them. I don't know what I would do without our late night talks that can go from totally silly to seriously philosophical in a matter of minutes, or our random movie marathons, or even going on ROGO's and singing random songs the whole time. 

Thanks for reading my little spiel about families...

As always....Until next time....

Nervous

I'm seeing my grandma today...finally, and I can't express how nervous I am. The last time I saw her, she was able to hold a coherent conversation, now, from what my mom tells me, she can barely remember what she's said 10 seconds earlier. I don't wanna remember her in this deteriorating condition, I wanna remember her how she was when I was younger, lively, enjoying life....It's hard to think that I might lose her soon. I don't want that to happen, I'm not ready for that to happen.

I guess I'll fill you in more on how today goes the next time I blog...

Until next time....

Surprising

Today was a really good day. I honestly haven't had this good of a day in forever. Totally drama free. It was like a breath of fresh air, and I loved it. I wish everyday could be like this.

I'm so thankful for my friends. Even when I'm having an awful day, they always manage to make it better. I don't know what I would do without them, and our nightly round tables.

On another note, my grandma doesn't have leukemia, but she does have fluid on her brain and I don't know what that means but I do I know it's bad. I'm worried. More worried than I ever let on. I love her so much. I didn't tell her that enough when I was younger, nor did I tell her how much I appreciate her, and everything she did, and I feel like I'm running out of time to do so. I don't like it.

I'm sorry this was kind of a downhill post, but that's just the way my thoughts went. Thanks for reading.

Until next time......

Confused

I don't know what to do about this....

It's about to get real ya'll

Even though I love my mom with all my heart, and despite the fact that she means the world to me, she isn't the woman who raised me. My grandmother did. Ever since I can remember, whenever I told someone that I lived with my grandmother, they would ask me why, and I would always reply that it was a long story, to boring, and it didn't really matter. Well it is a long story, but it really does matter to me, and is as far from boring as something can get. I may not have had as terrible a childhood as some kids may have had, but mine still wasn't a piece of cherry pie. I've been thinking a lot about my grandma recently, about how much I miss her, but that's also got me to thinking about my past. I think I might tell you about it, about my unstable past, my roller coaster ride of a life.

 My mother was really fucked up when she was younger. I'm talking drugs, alcohol, the whole shebang. She hung out with the wrong crowd in high school, lost her v-card when she was only 14, started smoking when she was 13. Things spiraled out of control when she graduated high school. She partied every night, did some pretty bad shit. She was married twice, the first guy was a real douche, and that's who she had my eldest brothers with. He abused my mom, as well as my brothers. She left him when she found my dad, and settled down a little bit, stopped doing drugs and stuff, but she was still getting drunk pretty much every night. When I was three my mom gave my brother, and my sister, and I up. (My two older brothers, had already been long taken away) From that time, til the time I was six, I went through probably four different foster homes. I was with my brother and sister in some of them, others we were miles apart.

The whole time I was being passed from foster home to foster home, my grandma was fighting tooth and nail to get custody of me and my brother, my sister went back with my mom and dad after a year. It was unheard of for a grandmother to adopt her grandchildren I guess. It only took two years for her to get my brother, and a year later she got me.

I remember balling my eyes out the day she finally got custody of me, and took my away from my current foster home. I had gotten really attached to them. I found out later though, that they were abusive, even though I have absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever, I guess I'm pretty good at blocking traumatizing things from my mind.

Growing up living with my grandmother, wasn't really the easiest thing. She had such old fashioned views on life, it was like she was living in the time when she raised my dad. We butted heads during my teenage years more than I can count. We would get into screaming fights at least twice a week. But she loved me more than anything, and I her.

By the time my grandma had adopted me, my mom had done a complete 360. She wasn't drinking, or partying, or doing drugs. She was a brand new woman. She hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 14 years. My grandma never understood the connection my mom and I have. Even though she was really fucked up, and gave me up, I still forgave her. I didn't care about what she did in the past, as long as she was there for my future, clean and sober. My mom is my best friend, we share everything with each other, and I do mean everything. My grandma and I never had that connection. I do love her with all my heart, but I will never be as close to her as I am with my mom. Does that make me a bad person? Considering all she has done for me....

I appreciate her, and all the things she went through to get me when I was younger, more than words can say. I never told her that enough when I younger, and I still don't. She has never been in the best of health, but since last year things started to take a turn for the worse. She had stroke, and had to go into a nursing home. She started to get better though, and we had hopes that she would be able to leave maybe get a place  to live around where my parents live, but recently she's been starting to get bad again, forgetting things, repeating herself, we think she might have Alzheimer, and/or dementia, the last time I talked to her on the phone she was babbling about complete nonsense, it broke my heart. And most recently we found out that her white blood cell count was really high, so they're testing her for leukemia. I sincerely hope that she doesn't. I can bear with her forgetting who I am, as long as she's still there. I'm not ready to lose her yet. there are so many things I need to tell her. I haven't seen her in over a month, and it's killing me inside. I miss her so much. The last thing I want is to lose her.

Sorry if this really bored you, I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening....

Until next time.....

The Things We Do

So, things didn't really work out between me, and my possible new guy, and to be honest, I'm not that sad about it....actually I'm not sad at all, or disappointed. Is that weird? I mean I really did want to be in a relationship with him, I liked him and stuff, but he just wanted to FWB's, and I'm not cool with that, at all. I tried to DTR (define the relationship) (guess that's a big NO NO, wish I had known that before I did it) and he just gave me a bunch of "IDK's" so I gave him time to think, and in turn started thinking myself. He's just not the right guy for me, and I can honestly say, I don't know who is. Even though having a snuggle buddy would be awesome, I'm cool right now with just hanging out with my friends.

Speaking of friends......

Is it bad that I'm really not that sad about not having talked to my high school friends since last year? Especially my old best friend.....We had been instant best friends since the 7th grade, completely inseparable. We had our whole future planned out, we were gonna be best friends forever. But then she found "the one" and I moved off to college, and our friendship just sort of dwindled off into nothing...we haven't legitimately talked in months, and to honest, I'm not sad about that at all.....She played such and important role in my life during my high school career, and now she's stuck in my past.

I can't help but wonder if that is gonna happen with the friends I've made here in college. I mean they say that  the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life, and I honestly hope that's true, but still, I thought Jennifer and would be besties when we're old and gray, racing our wheel chairs down hills and shit, and now we don't even acknowledge each other.

I love the friends I've made this year especially. Our "round tables" each night are pretty much what I live for. This year has been so stressful for me, and I don't know why, but when I go to the round table, it's like all of that stress get's pushed to the background, and I'm laughing my ass off at nothing. I am so much closer, so much more open to the friends I've made this year, than the ones last year, even the ones from high school. I don't want that to go away.

Nothing is finite, nothing is set in stone, but I wish it was, I wish we could know some things about the future. But we can't and that really sucks. So I guess we just have to live like we are now, like nothing will change, and things will always be like this between all of us, and hope that it truly will.

Until next time.....

A lot of Nothing

I haven't blogged in forever, sorry, I just really haven't had anything to blog about...but I'm back! Hello world! Welcome to the recent life of Kim!

I went home this weekend, after over a month of being at school. To say I was excited would have been a complete understatement. My mom and I are extremely close. She always seems to be able to calm me down the way no one else can. I tell her everything, and likewise, she's my best friend. Being away from her for so long, was terrible for me! The second I saw my mom on Saturday, I ran up to her and gave her like a five minute hug! Of course I was excited to see my daddy, and brother, and sister too, but still......

My sister left Michael for about the 6th time... It won't last long. I expect they'll be back together withing a week...He's not good for her, yet she keeps going back to him....Something I cannot comprehend, nor will I ever understand, is why women keep going back to men who hurt them.....Bluntly put, some women are just plain stupid... Am I right or am I right?

I can promise you something, I will NEVER be one of those women. I know EVERYONE says this, but seriously, I don't care how much I love a guy, if he mistreats me in ANY way it's over. I deserve better. He really doesn't love you if he's screaming at you all the time, hitting you, and making you feeling terrible about yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to get yourself untangled from the net, and get back out there.

I may or may not have someone new in my love life. I need clarification, which is something I feel like I'm always left without. I like him, and I'm 100% positive he likes me, but still, that doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship will result from that. But it is my main goal, which is why I'm talking to him tonight, to get things set straight. Hopefully the next time I blog I will have good news for ya'll, but we shall see won't we.....

Until next time.........

Death

A girl I went to high school died on Sunday...Car accident.... She was only 20 years old. She was married, and had a baby girl...I was friends with her in middle school, but through high school we kind of stopped talking. Kailee had so much to live for, but she made one stupid move, and it ended with her death...

I can't stop thinking about that poor little girl, and how she's gonna have to grow up without her Momma. Yeah she's gonna have her daddy, and her grandparents, and Kailee's sister, but still. Kailee's never gonna see her little girl grow up, get married, have kids of her own.
My mom is pretty much my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without her. She may have fucked up royally in the past, but she means the world to me. When I lose her, I'll be devastated.

I also can't stop thinking about how abruptly life can end. She was my age. She had barely begun to live her life, and it was taken away from her in the blink of an eye. I guess God, had other plans for her up in Heaven.

You let so many people come and go out of you life, not realizing, that something like this could happen. It makes you want to take that chance, tell someone you love them, or like them. Call up an old friend, or a family member you haven't talked to in awhile, and ask them how they've been. Do something more than what you are doing now.

Life is too short to make half-assed decisions, take chances, take risks, and see where it leads you. You may just like the outcome. Who knows when your life is going to end? Don't sit around watching the seconds tick by on the clock. Get out there and live.

Until next time....

Oys Bay

Boys.......

You say girls are hard to understand, but you guys are even harder to figure out. I'm sure any girl would agree with me. I'm not saying this because I'm bitter when it comes to that subject, because I'm not. I mean, yeah I've had some pretty bad experiences with my personal relationships in the past, like honestly I can't name one relationship that ended well, but still I don't let that really affect my opinion of you guys, I just can't get a handle on you.

If I like you, I'm pretty much an open book. I honestly don't know the meaning of playing hard to get...Guys however always remain pretty much in neutral. There might be a moment when you're like "oh he does like me too" but then you go and do something that totally contradicts it. Or you'll flirt right back, and get our hopes up, then go and flirt with some other girl, or two. Clarification, that's all we want.

Some girls like to take the initiative, and drop the "I like you" bomb first. But I rarely ever do it. I have terrible self-esteem when it comes to asking someone out, or telling someone I like them first. I don't like being rejected, so I just go the traditional way, and let the guy make the first move. But some of ya'll like to wait for the girls, which makes it a never ending cycle of "maybe's" and "I don't knows".

Trying to figure out guys, is like trying to learn a new language. When you think you have it down, they change the letters, and BAM! You're lost in translation.

Life would be so much easier if everyone would just come clean about their feelings....but until that happens, I guess we all just have to be happy with what we already know....

Which is nothing, pretty much...

Until next time.....

A little dramatic

I'm the baby of my family, I have three older brothers, and an older sister. Ashley and I used to be inseparable when we were young, considering we are only two years apart, but once she hit her teens things pretty much started spiraling out of control for her. She was okay for awhile when she was dating Ray, but then she discovered other guys, through the internet, as well as in person. One time when she was 16, she brought home a guy, and his brother who were from Oklahoma. She met them on the internet, and thought she knew everything about them. It turns out they were wanted for multiple counts of child molestation. I just couldn't stop thinking "I could have been another number on that list". I started to lose faith in her then. At first I thought that ordeal would make her stop, but it didn't and she just kept talking to guys online. She started making up stories, lying about getting raped when she literally wasn't. She went from being my best friend, to being a major disappointment. I learned not to trust her anymore. Not to trust what she told me she would do. Then the summer before I started college, she met Michael, and took an instant connection to him.           He seemed pretty cool at first, good, guy next door type. Then my sister got pregnant. They got into a fight after a couple months, and split up. And it's been like that ever since up until now. But now they are actually married, and they managed to get both of their kids taken away, without even blinking. When Angel and Caleb got taken away, I was devastated, even though they were only my niece and nephew, I loved them like they were my own. Also since my sister has been with Michael, she has tried to kill herself at least three times. 

My opinion of Michael has been a roller coaster ride since I met him. As has my opinion of my sister since she has been with him. She should be my role model, and instead she is the exact person that I aspire not to be. She is the epitome of all the things I hate in a women. She is weak willed when it comes to guys, especially those who mistreat her. She is strong in the beginning of the separation, and then she starts talking to them again, ending up getting back together. 

Today is the third-ish time she has tried to kill herself. This time it was by trying to OD on pills. I'm just so over it now. The first time it happened I cried, and was so worried about her, but I've just hardened my heart when it comes to her problems now. It's way too stressful. She's still my sister, and I still love her, but she is far from being my best friend, and even farther from ever being my role model. 

This is my rant for the night. I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. It isn't the complete story, but you can basically get the gist of it from this. I know we all have problems. You're pretty much not human if you don't have some kind of family problem, small or not. So thanks for reading/listening.

Until next time....

This Will Happen

Everyone sets goals for themselves every once in a while. Last year was no exception for me, and neither is this year. The difference between last year and this year is that I WILL make the goals I set for myself a reality.

 Losing weight is high on my list this year, as it was last year. I didn't push myself hard enough into keeping with it, but this year I will make my goal weight. Each post I do I will keep you updated on my progress, and hopefully by the time school is over I will have reached my goal weight, but we shall see.

I have more goals like raising my GPA, being less judgemental, toning down my road rage (we'll see about that one), and trying to cut down on my cussing (I throw the f-bomb around like a sailor). Those will get accomplished as well this year, I can guarantee you that my friends.

Sleep well everyone....Until next time...Remember, no goal is too far, or too hard to reach. If you want it enough, and believe in yourself, you can reach it.

A bout of Randomness

This is my first ever blog, I thought I would give it a shot, seeing as how I love to write. We shall see how it goes I guess. I apologize if some of my posts get a little personal, that's just how I am. An open book, that's me. 

I love to laugh, it's my favorite thing to do, but like everyone else, I have my days when I just feel like being alone, and sulk in a corner. My life has been a hard one, but hasn't everyone's in some way? You can't walk through life without stumbling over a few stones along the way. Nothing in life is as easy as it seems, and nothing comes without consequences, but when you actually try for something, the product can be more beautiful than the sunrise reflected on the ocean. 

As you walk through life don't forget to be yourself. No matter what happens remember to live, love, and laugh as much as you can, don't take life for granted, live it to the fullest. Be random, be sarcastic, but always   be you.

Hope you enjoyed my little "bout of randomness" until next time...