Easily Forgotten

I'm not at Ball State anymore, which kinda really sucks, a lot....I feel stupid. I wasn't doing as good as I wanted to, but I at least thought I doing well enough to pass, I was wrong. I cannot express how heartbroken I was when I found out that I was disqualified from Ball State. I was shattered. That place was basically my home away from home, the friends I made there are my second family. Round table every night had become a permanent fixture in my life.

The first thing that popped into my mind when I saw the bad news was "Holy shit how am I gonna tell my family this?!?!". I knew my mom would take the news ok, but my dad was a completely different story. Thoughts were racing through my mind, lies that I could tell him to prolong the moment when I would have to tell him this terrible news. My sister, however, did the job for me, and surprisingly he wasn't he mad, or disappointed. He felt really bad for me, and just hugged me, said that he was so sorry. My mom and the rest of my family did pretty much the same thing. To say I was surprised about their reaction would be the understatement of the century. I was completely and utterly shocked...

The second thing that popped into my mind was, "Oh my God, no more round table...." I wouldn't be seeing the friends I had grown so close to anymore. I wouldn't be staying up til 3 in the morning every night, basically having the best nights of my life...No more midnight runs to Steak n Shake and Mcdonalds, or ordering Chinese food every other Friday night when we got paid, no more random movie marathons where we just talk the whole way through. No more philosophical conversations, perverted topics, or gossiping about people we hate. We never even got a proper farewell, I thought I would be coming back. I was wrong.

I cried for a week afterwards. I didn't know what I would do without the friends I had grown so accustomed to seeing everyday. I didn't know what I would do without my family...I still don't...I can still keep in touch with them, and I can always drive down to see them, but I have no clue when that will be. And in the time it takes for me to get there, I feel like I will be forgotten, a thing of the past. I don't want to grow apart from any of them, and I plan on keeping in touch, but that has to go both ways. I just can't shake the nagging voice in my head that keeps saying they will all just forget about me, because I am easily forgetable. They all say that round table isn't the same without me, but how long will that last? I'm not there anymore, and I feel like I'm just doomed to become a part of their past...

Stupidity

People handle their pain in different ways. I was a stupid kid, and did it in the only way that could let me feel. Now I'm forever stuck with the reminder. Was I being overdramatic? I didn't think so. Not at the time. I liked the pleasure that came with the pain. I did it for myself, not so other people could give me attention, feel sorry for me. I hate pity.

I get into these funks sometimes. I'll start thinking about my past, how much I regret it. I want to confide in someone so much, just let it all out, but I feel like I can't do that without being severely judge. I was stupid, I know that, I was told it many times, I don't want it vocalized by one of my friends.

Sometimes I feel so alone even though I know I'm not really. I may not show it often, that loneliness, but it's there. I'm a naturally happy person, but when that feeling hits you, it's so hard to shake it off.

This was an awfully depressing blog, sorry about that. Just needed to let it out. I promise the next one will have happier tone....hopefully....

Until next time....

Beach bodies

Remember in one of my earlier blogs, I mentioned how one of my goals is to lose weight? Well it's gonna happen, for real...My friends and I have this big trip planned for Spring Break this next year in March. We are going to the Keys in Florida. We don't wanna go there looking all frumpy in our bathing suits, so we made a plan to get kick-ass beach bodies by the time Spring Break gets here.

This plan includes:

1. Working out in the gym Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
2. Zumba on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
3. Rogo every day after our workouts.
4. Completely dropping soda from our diets.
5. Eating salads, veggies, and wraps from Noyer, and just healthy foods in general.
6. Eating whatever we want on Wednesday, but still take into consideration calories.
7. If we don't go to a workout, we are excluded from Round Table.

We all have goal weights, and we are all really focused on achieving our beach bodies, so hopefully we will be able to stick to it, unlike all our other diets. I'll try to keep you updated about our progress in every blog post (hopefully there will be progress).

Until next time....

Procrastination

Hello all. I feel as though I am the queen of procrastination....I really should be working on my paper, yet I'm blogging, and listening to One Direction's new album....It's not that long of a paper, just two pages double spaced, but still, I've only got a paragraph written. It's not due til Thursday, I just thought I'd be a good student for once, and not start on it the night before it's due....I can see that it's not working out to well.

If I just turned off my music, and had the willpower to stay off of the Facebook, and the Twitter, then I could probably get this bitch of a paper done in like a half hour. But I can't!! I just wanna get up and dance to the One Direction music. Obviously I won't because that would be more than a little awkward and weird. Let's be real though, I'm also the queen of awkward circumstances, but that's pushing it a little.

I just need to force myself to concentrate on this stupid paper, so I won't have to worry about it later. I allotted myself two hours to write it, and I have an hour left, so I guess I'm gonna stop procrastinating and get to finishing it.

Until next time....

Family :)

Hello all, sorry it's been awhile, but I'm back! Yay :) My grandma is...well she's not fine necessarily, but she's a lot better than what my mom made her out to be. I thought she was babbling mess, but she can actually hold a valid conversation with you. She does have fluid on her brain, and it does mess with her memory a little, but not to the point where she's repeating herself every five seconds. I'm glad she's not as bad as what I thought, it means that I (hopefully) still have a lot more time with her.

I've been thinking about my family a lot lately, and how thankful I am to have them. It pisses me off when people constantly bitch about their family when they don't have a reason to. They should be thankful they actually have a family because there are people out there who have no one. My family and I are very close, especially my mom and I, but you would already know about that if you've read some of my other posts. I don't know what I would do if I lost any member of my family. Yes, we do have our fights from time to time, but in the end we always make up. 

Family isn't always people who are related to you, they can be people who you've grown very close to. The friends I've made this year, our round table, I would consider them my family too, that's pretty much what we are, a family away from home. I've grown to care about them all, and I'm so glad that I met every single one of them. This year is so much better than last year, and it's because of them. I don't know what I would do without our late night talks that can go from totally silly to seriously philosophical in a matter of minutes, or our random movie marathons, or even going on ROGO's and singing random songs the whole time. 

Thanks for reading my little spiel about families...

As always....Until next time....

Nervous

I'm seeing my grandma today...finally, and I can't express how nervous I am. The last time I saw her, she was able to hold a coherent conversation, now, from what my mom tells me, she can barely remember what she's said 10 seconds earlier. I don't wanna remember her in this deteriorating condition, I wanna remember her how she was when I was younger, lively, enjoying life....It's hard to think that I might lose her soon. I don't want that to happen, I'm not ready for that to happen.

I guess I'll fill you in more on how today goes the next time I blog...

Until next time....

Surprising

Today was a really good day. I honestly haven't had this good of a day in forever. Totally drama free. It was like a breath of fresh air, and I loved it. I wish everyday could be like this.

I'm so thankful for my friends. Even when I'm having an awful day, they always manage to make it better. I don't know what I would do without them, and our nightly round tables.

On another note, my grandma doesn't have leukemia, but she does have fluid on her brain and I don't know what that means but I do I know it's bad. I'm worried. More worried than I ever let on. I love her so much. I didn't tell her that enough when I was younger, nor did I tell her how much I appreciate her, and everything she did, and I feel like I'm running out of time to do so. I don't like it.

I'm sorry this was kind of a downhill post, but that's just the way my thoughts went. Thanks for reading.

Until next time......