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Sunday, September 30, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
It's about to get real ya'll
Even though I love my mom with all my heart, and despite the fact that she means the world to me, she isn't the woman who raised me. My grandmother did. Ever since I can remember, whenever I told someone that I lived with my grandmother, they would ask me why, and I would always reply that it was a long story, to boring, and it didn't really matter. Well it is a long story, but it really does matter to me, and is as far from boring as something can get. I may not have had as terrible a childhood as some kids may have had, but mine still wasn't a piece of cherry pie. I've been thinking a lot about my grandma recently, about how much I miss her, but that's also got me to thinking about my past. I think I might tell you about it, about my unstable past, my roller coaster ride of a life.
My mother was really fucked up when she was younger. I'm talking drugs, alcohol, the whole shebang. She hung out with the wrong crowd in high school, lost her v-card when she was only 14, started smoking when she was 13. Things spiraled out of control when she graduated high school. She partied every night, did some pretty bad shit. She was married twice, the first guy was a real douche, and that's who she had my eldest brothers with. He abused my mom, as well as my brothers. She left him when she found my dad, and settled down a little bit, stopped doing drugs and stuff, but she was still getting drunk pretty much every night. When I was three my mom gave my brother, and my sister, and I up. (My two older brothers, had already been long taken away) From that time, til the time I was six, I went through probably four different foster homes. I was with my brother and sister in some of them, others we were miles apart.
The whole time I was being passed from foster home to foster home, my grandma was fighting tooth and nail to get custody of me and my brother, my sister went back with my mom and dad after a year. It was unheard of for a grandmother to adopt her grandchildren I guess. It only took two years for her to get my brother, and a year later she got me.
I remember balling my eyes out the day she finally got custody of me, and took my away from my current foster home. I had gotten really attached to them. I found out later though, that they were abusive, even though I have absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever, I guess I'm pretty good at blocking traumatizing things from my mind.
Growing up living with my grandmother, wasn't really the easiest thing. She had such old fashioned views on life, it was like she was living in the time when she raised my dad. We butted heads during my teenage years more than I can count. We would get into screaming fights at least twice a week. But she loved me more than anything, and I her.
By the time my grandma had adopted me, my mom had done a complete 360. She wasn't drinking, or partying, or doing drugs. She was a brand new woman. She hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 14 years. My grandma never understood the connection my mom and I have. Even though she was really fucked up, and gave me up, I still forgave her. I didn't care about what she did in the past, as long as she was there for my future, clean and sober. My mom is my best friend, we share everything with each other, and I do mean everything. My grandma and I never had that connection. I do love her with all my heart, but I will never be as close to her as I am with my mom. Does that make me a bad person? Considering all she has done for me....
I appreciate her, and all the things she went through to get me when I was younger, more than words can say. I never told her that enough when I younger, and I still don't. She has never been in the best of health, but since last year things started to take a turn for the worse. She had stroke, and had to go into a nursing home. She started to get better though, and we had hopes that she would be able to leave maybe get a place to live around where my parents live, but recently she's been starting to get bad again, forgetting things, repeating herself, we think she might have Alzheimer, and/or dementia, the last time I talked to her on the phone she was babbling about complete nonsense, it broke my heart. And most recently we found out that her white blood cell count was really high, so they're testing her for leukemia. I sincerely hope that she doesn't. I can bear with her forgetting who I am, as long as she's still there. I'm not ready to lose her yet. there are so many things I need to tell her. I haven't seen her in over a month, and it's killing me inside. I miss her so much. The last thing I want is to lose her.
Sorry if this really bored you, I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening....
Until next time.....
My mother was really fucked up when she was younger. I'm talking drugs, alcohol, the whole shebang. She hung out with the wrong crowd in high school, lost her v-card when she was only 14, started smoking when she was 13. Things spiraled out of control when she graduated high school. She partied every night, did some pretty bad shit. She was married twice, the first guy was a real douche, and that's who she had my eldest brothers with. He abused my mom, as well as my brothers. She left him when she found my dad, and settled down a little bit, stopped doing drugs and stuff, but she was still getting drunk pretty much every night. When I was three my mom gave my brother, and my sister, and I up. (My two older brothers, had already been long taken away) From that time, til the time I was six, I went through probably four different foster homes. I was with my brother and sister in some of them, others we were miles apart.
The whole time I was being passed from foster home to foster home, my grandma was fighting tooth and nail to get custody of me and my brother, my sister went back with my mom and dad after a year. It was unheard of for a grandmother to adopt her grandchildren I guess. It only took two years for her to get my brother, and a year later she got me.
I remember balling my eyes out the day she finally got custody of me, and took my away from my current foster home. I had gotten really attached to them. I found out later though, that they were abusive, even though I have absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever, I guess I'm pretty good at blocking traumatizing things from my mind.
Growing up living with my grandmother, wasn't really the easiest thing. She had such old fashioned views on life, it was like she was living in the time when she raised my dad. We butted heads during my teenage years more than I can count. We would get into screaming fights at least twice a week. But she loved me more than anything, and I her.
By the time my grandma had adopted me, my mom had done a complete 360. She wasn't drinking, or partying, or doing drugs. She was a brand new woman. She hasn't touched a drop of alcohol in 14 years. My grandma never understood the connection my mom and I have. Even though she was really fucked up, and gave me up, I still forgave her. I didn't care about what she did in the past, as long as she was there for my future, clean and sober. My mom is my best friend, we share everything with each other, and I do mean everything. My grandma and I never had that connection. I do love her with all my heart, but I will never be as close to her as I am with my mom. Does that make me a bad person? Considering all she has done for me....
I appreciate her, and all the things she went through to get me when I was younger, more than words can say. I never told her that enough when I younger, and I still don't. She has never been in the best of health, but since last year things started to take a turn for the worse. She had stroke, and had to go into a nursing home. She started to get better though, and we had hopes that she would be able to leave maybe get a place to live around where my parents live, but recently she's been starting to get bad again, forgetting things, repeating herself, we think she might have Alzheimer, and/or dementia, the last time I talked to her on the phone she was babbling about complete nonsense, it broke my heart. And most recently we found out that her white blood cell count was really high, so they're testing her for leukemia. I sincerely hope that she doesn't. I can bear with her forgetting who I am, as long as she's still there. I'm not ready to lose her yet. there are so many things I need to tell her. I haven't seen her in over a month, and it's killing me inside. I miss her so much. The last thing I want is to lose her.
Sorry if this really bored you, I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening....
Until next time.....
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The Things We Do
So, things didn't really work out between me, and my possible new guy, and to be honest, I'm not that sad about it....actually I'm not sad at all, or disappointed. Is that weird? I mean I really did want to be in a relationship with him, I liked him and stuff, but he just wanted to FWB's, and I'm not cool with that, at all. I tried to DTR (define the relationship) (guess that's a big NO NO, wish I had known that before I did it) and he just gave me a bunch of "IDK's" so I gave him time to think, and in turn started thinking myself. He's just not the right guy for me, and I can honestly say, I don't know who is. Even though having a snuggle buddy would be awesome, I'm cool right now with just hanging out with my friends.
Speaking of friends......
Is it bad that I'm really not that sad about not having talked to my high school friends since last year? Especially my old best friend.....We had been instant best friends since the 7th grade, completely inseparable. We had our whole future planned out, we were gonna be best friends forever. But then she found "the one" and I moved off to college, and our friendship just sort of dwindled off into nothing...we haven't legitimately talked in months, and to honest, I'm not sad about that at all.....She played such and important role in my life during my high school career, and now she's stuck in my past.
I can't help but wonder if that is gonna happen with the friends I've made here in college. I mean they say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life, and I honestly hope that's true, but still, I thought Jennifer and would be besties when we're old and gray, racing our wheel chairs down hills and shit, and now we don't even acknowledge each other.
I love the friends I've made this year especially. Our "round tables" each night are pretty much what I live for. This year has been so stressful for me, and I don't know why, but when I go to the round table, it's like all of that stress get's pushed to the background, and I'm laughing my ass off at nothing. I am so much closer, so much more open to the friends I've made this year, than the ones last year, even the ones from high school. I don't want that to go away.
Nothing is finite, nothing is set in stone, but I wish it was, I wish we could know some things about the future. But we can't and that really sucks. So I guess we just have to live like we are now, like nothing will change, and things will always be like this between all of us, and hope that it truly will.
Until next time.....
Speaking of friends......
Is it bad that I'm really not that sad about not having talked to my high school friends since last year? Especially my old best friend.....We had been instant best friends since the 7th grade, completely inseparable. We had our whole future planned out, we were gonna be best friends forever. But then she found "the one" and I moved off to college, and our friendship just sort of dwindled off into nothing...we haven't legitimately talked in months, and to honest, I'm not sad about that at all.....She played such and important role in my life during my high school career, and now she's stuck in my past.
I can't help but wonder if that is gonna happen with the friends I've made here in college. I mean they say that the friends you make in college are the ones that stick with you for the rest of your life, and I honestly hope that's true, but still, I thought Jennifer and would be besties when we're old and gray, racing our wheel chairs down hills and shit, and now we don't even acknowledge each other.
I love the friends I've made this year especially. Our "round tables" each night are pretty much what I live for. This year has been so stressful for me, and I don't know why, but when I go to the round table, it's like all of that stress get's pushed to the background, and I'm laughing my ass off at nothing. I am so much closer, so much more open to the friends I've made this year, than the ones last year, even the ones from high school. I don't want that to go away.
Nothing is finite, nothing is set in stone, but I wish it was, I wish we could know some things about the future. But we can't and that really sucks. So I guess we just have to live like we are now, like nothing will change, and things will always be like this between all of us, and hope that it truly will.
Until next time.....
Monday, September 17, 2012
A lot of Nothing
I haven't blogged in forever, sorry, I just really haven't had anything to blog about...but I'm back! Hello world! Welcome to the recent life of Kim!
I went home this weekend, after over a month of being at school. To say I was excited would have been a complete understatement. My mom and I are extremely close. She always seems to be able to calm me down the way no one else can. I tell her everything, and likewise, she's my best friend. Being away from her for so long, was terrible for me! The second I saw my mom on Saturday, I ran up to her and gave her like a five minute hug! Of course I was excited to see my daddy, and brother, and sister too, but still......
My sister left Michael for about the 6th time... It won't last long. I expect they'll be back together withing a week...He's not good for her, yet she keeps going back to him....Something I cannot comprehend, nor will I ever understand, is why women keep going back to men who hurt them.....Bluntly put, some women are just plain stupid... Am I right or am I right?
I can promise you something, I will NEVER be one of those women. I know EVERYONE says this, but seriously, I don't care how much I love a guy, if he mistreats me in ANY way it's over. I deserve better. He really doesn't love you if he's screaming at you all the time, hitting you, and making you feeling terrible about yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to get yourself untangled from the net, and get back out there.
I may or may not have someone new in my love life. I need clarification, which is something I feel like I'm always left without. I like him, and I'm 100% positive he likes me, but still, that doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship will result from that. But it is my main goal, which is why I'm talking to him tonight, to get things set straight. Hopefully the next time I blog I will have good news for ya'll, but we shall see won't we.....
Until next time.........
I went home this weekend, after over a month of being at school. To say I was excited would have been a complete understatement. My mom and I are extremely close. She always seems to be able to calm me down the way no one else can. I tell her everything, and likewise, she's my best friend. Being away from her for so long, was terrible for me! The second I saw my mom on Saturday, I ran up to her and gave her like a five minute hug! Of course I was excited to see my daddy, and brother, and sister too, but still......
My sister left Michael for about the 6th time... It won't last long. I expect they'll be back together withing a week...He's not good for her, yet she keeps going back to him....Something I cannot comprehend, nor will I ever understand, is why women keep going back to men who hurt them.....Bluntly put, some women are just plain stupid... Am I right or am I right?
I can promise you something, I will NEVER be one of those women. I know EVERYONE says this, but seriously, I don't care how much I love a guy, if he mistreats me in ANY way it's over. I deserve better. He really doesn't love you if he's screaming at you all the time, hitting you, and making you feeling terrible about yourself. There are plenty of fish in the sea, you just need to get yourself untangled from the net, and get back out there.
I may or may not have someone new in my love life. I need clarification, which is something I feel like I'm always left without. I like him, and I'm 100% positive he likes me, but still, that doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship will result from that. But it is my main goal, which is why I'm talking to him tonight, to get things set straight. Hopefully the next time I blog I will have good news for ya'll, but we shall see won't we.....
Until next time.........
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Death
A girl I went to high school died on Sunday...Car accident.... She was only 20 years old. She was married, and had a baby girl...I was friends with her in middle school, but through high school we kind of stopped talking. Kailee had so much to live for, but she made one stupid move, and it ended with her death...
I can't stop thinking about that poor little girl, and how she's gonna have to grow up without her Momma. Yeah she's gonna have her daddy, and her grandparents, and Kailee's sister, but still. Kailee's never gonna see her little girl grow up, get married, have kids of her own.
My mom is pretty much my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without her. She may have fucked up royally in the past, but she means the world to me. When I lose her, I'll be devastated.
I also can't stop thinking about how abruptly life can end. She was my age. She had barely begun to live her life, and it was taken away from her in the blink of an eye. I guess God, had other plans for her up in Heaven.
You let so many people come and go out of you life, not realizing, that something like this could happen. It makes you want to take that chance, tell someone you love them, or like them. Call up an old friend, or a family member you haven't talked to in awhile, and ask them how they've been. Do something more than what you are doing now.
Life is too short to make half-assed decisions, take chances, take risks, and see where it leads you. You may just like the outcome. Who knows when your life is going to end? Don't sit around watching the seconds tick by on the clock. Get out there and live.
Until next time....
I can't stop thinking about that poor little girl, and how she's gonna have to grow up without her Momma. Yeah she's gonna have her daddy, and her grandparents, and Kailee's sister, but still. Kailee's never gonna see her little girl grow up, get married, have kids of her own.
My mom is pretty much my best friend, I couldn't imagine my life without her. She may have fucked up royally in the past, but she means the world to me. When I lose her, I'll be devastated.
I also can't stop thinking about how abruptly life can end. She was my age. She had barely begun to live her life, and it was taken away from her in the blink of an eye. I guess God, had other plans for her up in Heaven.
You let so many people come and go out of you life, not realizing, that something like this could happen. It makes you want to take that chance, tell someone you love them, or like them. Call up an old friend, or a family member you haven't talked to in awhile, and ask them how they've been. Do something more than what you are doing now.
Life is too short to make half-assed decisions, take chances, take risks, and see where it leads you. You may just like the outcome. Who knows when your life is going to end? Don't sit around watching the seconds tick by on the clock. Get out there and live.
Until next time....
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Oys Bay
Boys.......
You say girls are hard to understand, but you guys are even harder to figure out. I'm sure any girl would agree with me. I'm not saying this because I'm bitter when it comes to that subject, because I'm not. I mean, yeah I've had some pretty bad experiences with my personal relationships in the past, like honestly I can't name one relationship that ended well, but still I don't let that really affect my opinion of you guys, I just can't get a handle on you.
If I like you, I'm pretty much an open book. I honestly don't know the meaning of playing hard to get...Guys however always remain pretty much in neutral. There might be a moment when you're like "oh he does like me too" but then you go and do something that totally contradicts it. Or you'll flirt right back, and get our hopes up, then go and flirt with some other girl, or two. Clarification, that's all we want.
Some girls like to take the initiative, and drop the "I like you" bomb first. But I rarely ever do it. I have terrible self-esteem when it comes to asking someone out, or telling someone I like them first. I don't like being rejected, so I just go the traditional way, and let the guy make the first move. But some of ya'll like to wait for the girls, which makes it a never ending cycle of "maybe's" and "I don't knows".
Trying to figure out guys, is like trying to learn a new language. When you think you have it down, they change the letters, and BAM! You're lost in translation.
Life would be so much easier if everyone would just come clean about their feelings....but until that happens, I guess we all just have to be happy with what we already know....
Which is nothing, pretty much...
Until next time.....
You say girls are hard to understand, but you guys are even harder to figure out. I'm sure any girl would agree with me. I'm not saying this because I'm bitter when it comes to that subject, because I'm not. I mean, yeah I've had some pretty bad experiences with my personal relationships in the past, like honestly I can't name one relationship that ended well, but still I don't let that really affect my opinion of you guys, I just can't get a handle on you.
If I like you, I'm pretty much an open book. I honestly don't know the meaning of playing hard to get...Guys however always remain pretty much in neutral. There might be a moment when you're like "oh he does like me too" but then you go and do something that totally contradicts it. Or you'll flirt right back, and get our hopes up, then go and flirt with some other girl, or two. Clarification, that's all we want.
Some girls like to take the initiative, and drop the "I like you" bomb first. But I rarely ever do it. I have terrible self-esteem when it comes to asking someone out, or telling someone I like them first. I don't like being rejected, so I just go the traditional way, and let the guy make the first move. But some of ya'll like to wait for the girls, which makes it a never ending cycle of "maybe's" and "I don't knows".
Trying to figure out guys, is like trying to learn a new language. When you think you have it down, they change the letters, and BAM! You're lost in translation.
Life would be so much easier if everyone would just come clean about their feelings....but until that happens, I guess we all just have to be happy with what we already know....
Which is nothing, pretty much...
Until next time.....
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